Mom Answers An Important Question.

Me: Mom, who do you think would win in a fight: Maroon 5 or Bowling For Soup?
Mom: MAROON 5. I SEEN THEM IN CONCERT, I SAW THEM SWEATIN'. THEY'RE BADASSES. BOWLING FOR FIVE*, THEY'RE KIND OF HEAVY AND THEY'RE GONNA MISS THAT SWING WHEN IT HITS THEIR FACE.

*Actual quote, not a typo.

Mom Has Friends.

Mom: YOU KNOW, ONE OF MY FRIENDS HAS HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN 12 OF THE POLICE OFFICERS IN THIS COUNTY. BECAUSE OF THIS, I THINK I AM DOING OKAY AT LIFE.

Mom Wants To Make A Website.

Mom: I WANT TO MAKE A WEBSITE.
Me: Why?
Mom: I WANT TO TAKE DOWN MY FORMER EMPLOYER. Do you think I can do that on Angelfire?
Me: I'll think about it mom.
Mom: I CAN DO IT MYSELF, THE HMLT* CAN'T BE TOO HARD TO LEARN.
Me: I'll see what I can do mom.

*Actual quote.

Mom Likes Weiners.

Mom: Did I ever tell you that my first job during high school was with the Superior Meats company? I was a weiner inspector. By weiner I probably mean lots of Georgia penises, but lets keep that between us for the evening.

Mom Likes To Watch Movies Over And Over.

Me: Mom, are you watching that movie AGAIN?
Mom: No, I am watching the commentaries, and the commentaries don't show the whole movie.
Me: They do, actually.
Mom: STOP LYING TO ME.

Mom Goes To The Doctor.

Mom: When I got into his office, I told him that I needed a prescription for more crazy pills. So he said "Do you need pills to stop being crazy, or pills to keep you from being crazy?" and I said "I need the pills that stop the craziness, and then I need the pills that keep me from being crazy because there are different levels here and I need to make sure all of them are covered."
Me: So you're trying to eliminate as much crazy as possible?
Mom: Yeah but it's NOT FUCKING WORKING.

Mom Enjoys Curse Words (Also: Being Excited).

Anonymous: Yeah, I need a job.
Mom: YOU NEED A JOB? NO FUCKING WAY.

Anonymous: Yeah, I have a hernia.
Mom: NO FUCKING WAY. NO FUCKING WAY.

Mom Goes To The Movies.

My mom and I went to the movies on New Year's Eve. When we pulled into the parking lot of the theatre, she spotted the car of a former co-worker. (Mom was fired from her job recently). Immediately thinking she wouldn't want to go inside, I offered to just go shopping with her instead.

Me: Are you sure you still want to go? We don't have to see a movie today. We can just go shopping or something.
Mom: NO WAY. WE ARE GOING TO THE MOVIE. I TOOK MY XANAX THIS MORNING, FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM ALL.

A Conversation Between Mom And I.

Me: How are you today, mom?
Mom: I am fine, how are you?
Me: Well, I kind of want to die.
Mom: That's okay, that's normal.