Mom Is Coming To Visit.

After nearly three years of living here, my mom is finally making the trip out to visit me. Today we purchased her plane ticket over the internet while I was on the phone with her.

Mom: I WANT TO GO TO SATIN DOLLS AS SOON AS I GET OFF THE PLANE.
Me: Well, they'll probably be open at least.
Mom: I AM GOING TO LEARN TO POLE DANCE, LIKE, RIGHT THEN.
--
(I am going through the options for the plane tickets at this point.)
Me: Mom, are you disabled? Do you need wheelchair assistance on the flight?
Mom: IT DEPENDS ON WHAT I WAS DOING THE NIGHT BEFORE.
--
Mom: I AM GOING TO GO TO SATIN DOLLS AND POLE DANCE, BUT I CAN'T WEAR A THONG.
Me: Because you're married?
Mom: NO, I HAVE HEMMRHOIDS. YOU GAVE THEM TO ME, BITCH!
Me: Jesus Christ mom.
Mom: GIVING BIRTH, MAN.