Mom Is Coming To Visit.

After nearly three years of living here, my mom is finally making the trip out to visit me. Today we purchased her plane ticket over the internet while I was on the phone with her.

Mom: I WANT TO GO TO SATIN DOLLS AS SOON AS I GET OFF THE PLANE.
Me: Well, they'll probably be open at least.
Mom: I AM GOING TO LEARN TO POLE DANCE, LIKE, RIGHT THEN.
--
(I am going through the options for the plane tickets at this point.)
Me: Mom, are you disabled? Do you need wheelchair assistance on the flight?
Mom: IT DEPENDS ON WHAT I WAS DOING THE NIGHT BEFORE.
--
Mom: I AM GOING TO GO TO SATIN DOLLS AND POLE DANCE, BUT I CAN'T WEAR A THONG.
Me: Because you're married?
Mom: NO, I HAVE HEMMRHOIDS. YOU GAVE THEM TO ME, BITCH!
Me: Jesus Christ mom.
Mom: GIVING BIRTH, MAN.

Mom Fought The Law and The Law TOTALLY Won.

Mom was at a gas station filling up her car. As she was pulling out, a cop turned on his lights and went after her. AFTER he turned on his sirens, she finally pulled over.

The cop approached her car and the following exchange occured.

Cop: M'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Mom: No.
Cop: You were playing your music way too loud. You were violating a noise ordinance in the area. (Cop proceeds to read ordinance).
Mom: Well I had no idea that there was a NICKELBACK ban in the area.
Cop: You know, I was originally going to give you a warning. But since you had to get smart with me, I'm going to give you a ticket.

At this point in Mom telling me this story, I am about to kill her. But it gets better.

Mom goes to pay the ticket at the police station. She is wearing her work name tag and scrubs when she goes on. Mom goes by her middle name, and as such, her middle name is on her name tag as opposed to her first name.

The police officer asks her if she has an alias. Mom is confused, and says no. The police officer points out her name tag and her drivers license, and how the first names differ. Mom says she goes by her middle name, but, YES. She does have an alias. "It's TATER SALAD".

Mom Has Adventures.

-Mom recently got her own tanning bed. She claims she was attacked by ants while laying in it one evening.

-Mom had a endoscopic surgery recently and demanded that the doctors play Maroon 5 during the procedure. After being given her pain medications, she told stories about her asshole.

Mom Has A New Nickname.

I have taken to calling Mom Jeffy. At first she seemed okay with this new nickname. But then when I told her the origins of the name Jeffy, she yelled at me.

Mom: I AINT NO FAMILY CIRCUS FAG. SHUT YOUR BULLSHIT.

Mom Asks About Paris Hilton.

Mom recently asked me what Paris Hilton does for a living. I told her that she basically does nothing. Mom responded with her beliefs.

Mom: WELL GIVING BLOWJOBS CAN GET YOU A LIVING SO SHE MUST DO SOMETHING.

Mom Threatens The Cat.

Mom: THAT CAT IS SO GODDAMN LUCKY I HAVE NOT PUT OUT A CIGARETTE ON IT. BUT I AM ABOUT TO.
Me: Why?
Mom: BECAUSE SHE HAS STCS.
Me: What?
Mom: SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED CAT SLUTS.

Mom Gets Confused.

Being that I enjoy bunnies, I own a pair of bunny ears that I like to wear around. One day Mom was sitting outside so I decided to put the bunny ears on her. She smiled and I left the room.

Roughly two hours later, she storms into my bedroom and the following exchange occurs.

Mom: WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE?! (She is pointing at the bunny ears on her head. She has been wearing them for the whole two hours).
Me: Bunny ears.
Mom: WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?!

Mom Has A Problem With Hemmrhoids.

I was waiting for my mom to pick me up at the local movie theatre one evening. It was a nice night so I decided to wait outside for her. I sat myself on the concrete for a few minutes. Suddenly her car pulled up and with that started an insane rant.

Mom: HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY GET OFF THE CONCRETE! IF YOU SIT ON CONCRETE TOO LONG YOU WILL GET HEMMRHOIDS AND I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR THOSE FUCKERS AT THE DOCTOR!