I TOOK MY XANAX, FUCK THEM ALL.

Mom Is Coming To Visit.

2008-05-26T13:01:00.002-05:00

After nearly three years of living here, my mom is finally making the trip out to visit me. Today we purchased her plane ticket over the internet while I was on the phone with her.

Mom: I WANT TO GO TO SATIN DOLLS AS SOON AS I GET OFF THE PLANE.
Me: Well, they'll probably be open at least.
Mom: I AM GOING TO LEARN TO POLE DANCE, LIKE, RIGHT THEN.
--
(I am going through the options for the plane tickets at this point.)
Me: Mom, are you disabled? Do you need wheelchair assistance on the flight?
Mom: IT DEPENDS ON WHAT I WAS DOING THE NIGHT BEFORE.
--
Mom: I AM GOING TO GO TO SATIN DOLLS AND POLE DANCE, BUT I CAN'T WEAR A THONG.
Me: Because you're married?
Mom: NO, I HAVE HEMMRHOIDS. YOU GAVE THEM TO ME, BITCH!
Me: Jesus Christ mom.
Mom: GIVING BIRTH, MAN.

Mom Fought The Law and The Law TOTALLY Won.

2006-05-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

Mom was at a gas station filling up her car. As she was pulling out, a cop turned on his lights and went after her. AFTER he turned on his sirens, she finally pulled over.

The cop approached her car and the following exchange occured.

Cop: M'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Mom: No.
Cop: You were playing your music way too loud. You were violating a noise ordinance in the area. (Cop proceeds to read ordinance).
Mom: Well I had no idea that there was a NICKELBACK ban in the area.
Cop: You know, I was originally going to give you a warning. But since you had to get smart with me, I'm going to give you a ticket.

At this point in Mom telling me this story, I am about to kill her. But it gets better.

Mom goes to pay the ticket at the police station. She is wearing her work name tag and scrubs when she goes on. Mom goes by her middle name, and as such, her middle name is on her name tag as opposed to her first name.

The police officer asks her if she has an alias. Mom is confused, and says no. The police officer points out her name tag and her drivers license, and how the first names differ. Mom says she goes by her middle name, but, YES. She does have an alias. "It's TATER SALAD".

Mom Has Adventures.

2006-04-27T19:30:00.000-05:00

-Mom recently got her own tanning bed. She claims she was attacked by ants while laying in it one evening.

-Mom had a endoscopic surgery recently and demanded that the doctors play Maroon 5 during the procedure. After being given her pain medications, she told stories about her asshole.

Mom Has A New Nickname.

2005-05-20T19:21:00.000-05:00

I have taken to calling Mom Jeffy. At first she seemed okay with this new nickname. But then when I told her the origins of the name Jeffy, she yelled at me.

Mom: I AINT NO FAMILY CIRCUS FAG. SHUT YOUR BULLSHIT.

Mom Asks About Paris Hilton.

2005-05-20T19:19:00.000-05:00

Mom recently asked me what Paris Hilton does for a living. I told her that she basically does nothing. Mom responded with her beliefs.

Mom: WELL GIVING BLOWJOBS CAN GET YOU A LIVING SO SHE MUST DO SOMETHING.

Mom Threatens The Cat.

2005-05-17T18:57:00.000-05:00

Mom: THAT CAT IS SO GODDAMN LUCKY I HAVE NOT PUT OUT A CIGARETTE ON IT. BUT I AM ABOUT TO.
Me: Why?
Mom: BECAUSE SHE HAS STCS.
Me: What?
Mom: SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED CAT SLUTS.

Mom Gets Confused.

2005-04-13T20:02:00.000-05:00

Being that I enjoy bunnies, I own a pair of bunny ears that I like to wear around. One day Mom was sitting outside so I decided to put the bunny ears on her. She smiled and I left the room.

Roughly two hours later, she storms into my bedroom and the following exchange occurs.

Mom: WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE?! (She is pointing at the bunny ears on her head. She has been wearing them for the whole two hours).
Me: Bunny ears.
Mom: WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?!

Mom Has A Problem With Hemmrhoids.

2005-04-12T22:37:00.000-05:00

I was waiting for my mom to pick me up at the local movie theatre one evening. It was a nice night so I decided to wait outside for her. I sat myself on the concrete for a few minutes. Suddenly her car pulled up and with that started an insane rant.

Mom: HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY GET OFF THE CONCRETE! IF YOU SIT ON CONCRETE TOO LONG YOU WILL GET HEMMRHOIDS AND I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR THOSE FUCKERS AT THE DOCTOR!

Mom Thinks She Owes Me Money.

2005-04-10T13:07:00.000-05:00

Mom: I DON'T OWE YOU ANY MONEY, RIGHT?!
Me: No.
Mom: GOOD. BECAUSE LIKE, IF YOU WERE WITH AN ITALIAN DUDE, AND I OWED YOU MONEY, I WOULD OWE INTEREST! THEN WHEN I DIDN'T PAY UP, I WOULD LOSE SOME FUCKING LIMBS AND THAT WOULD FUCKING SUCK.
Me: What?
Mom: ITALIANS!

Mom Attempts To Watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

2005-03-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

Mom: YOU KNOW, I WOULD WANT TO LIVE IN A SEA OF PIZZA. THAT'S LIKE, FREE PIZZA ANYTIME YOU WANT IT. AND FREE PIZZA, THAT'S LIKE, FREE PIZZA.*

*A request from a year ago.

Mom Confuses Black Sabbath With Public Enemy.

2005-03-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

Mom: I HEAR BLACK PEOPLE IN THE BACKGROUND. Are you listening to Flavor Flav?

Mom Leads An Exciting Life.

2005-03-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

Mom: ALL I'VE BEEN DOING REALLY IS SITTING AROUND. ALTHOUGH I HAVE BEEN HITTING THE CAT WITH A MAGAZINE A LOT. IT MAKES HER SHUT THE HELL UP. THEN I READ THE MAGAZINE ON THE TOLIET.

Mom Explains Life After Moving Out To Me.

2005-03-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

Mom: YOU CANNOT GO HOME FOR ANY HOLIDAY BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY WILL BE FUCKED UP. THIS IS BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES WHO FUCKED YOU UP IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THUS HAVE BECOME REALLY FUCKED UP SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE. I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY AND I SUGGEST YOU DO TOO.

Mom Emails Me While I Am On Vacation.

2005-02-25T20:10:00.000-05:00

Sent From: momsums@generic-email.com
2/23/05 (2 days ago)
Hey
Your Income tax check came in the mail today can I go and buy some beer with it?
I love you
mom

Mom (Seems To) Like Pornography.

2005-02-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

Mom: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, LET ME GET MY GLASSES. IS IT REALLY PORNOGRAPHY?!
Me: No mom, it's not.
Mom: LET ME GET MY GLASSES. ARE THERE PUBES?
Me: It's just John Cusack.
Mom: DAMMIT. IF THAT WAS PORNOGRAPHY, I WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT.

Mom Thinks I Am Pretty.

2005-02-08T01:24:00.001-05:00

Mom: YOU HAVE TEETH LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN. BUT YOURS ARE MUCH BETTER. YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL, LIKE IN A NATALIE PORTMAN WAY. BUT YOU ARE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL. ESPECIALLY YOUR TEETH.

Mom Likes To Make Food That Is Not Real.

2005-02-08T01:24:00.000-05:00

Mom: HEY GUYS, I MADE CHICKAMUNGAS.*

*Chimichangas.

Mom Answers An Important Question.

2005-01-22T17:46:00.000-05:00

Me: Mom, who do you think would win in a fight: Maroon 5 or Bowling For Soup?
Mom: MAROON 5. I SEEN THEM IN CONCERT, I SAW THEM SWEATIN'. THEY'RE BADASSES. BOWLING FOR FIVE*, THEY'RE KIND OF HEAVY AND THEY'RE GONNA MISS THAT SWING WHEN IT HITS THEIR FACE.

*Actual quote, not a typo.

Mom Has Friends.

2005-01-19T20:33:00.000-05:00

Mom: YOU KNOW, ONE OF MY FRIENDS HAS HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN 12 OF THE POLICE OFFICERS IN THIS COUNTY. BECAUSE OF THIS, I THINK I AM DOING OKAY AT LIFE.

Mom Wants To Make A Website.

2005-01-16T18:49:00.000-05:00

Mom: I WANT TO MAKE A WEBSITE.
Me: Why?
Mom: I WANT TO TAKE DOWN MY FORMER EMPLOYER. Do you think I can do that on Angelfire?
Me: I'll think about it mom.
Mom: I CAN DO IT MYSELF, THE HMLT* CAN'T BE TOO HARD TO LEARN.
Me: I'll see what I can do mom.

*Actual quote.

Mom Likes Weiners.

2005-01-13T20:38:00.000-05:00

Mom: Did I ever tell you that my first job during high school was with the Superior Meats company? I was a weiner inspector. By weiner I probably mean lots of Georgia penises, but lets keep that between us for the evening.

Mom Likes To Watch Movies Over And Over.

2005-01-09T02:51:00.000-05:00

Me: Mom, are you watching that movie AGAIN?
Mom: No, I am watching the commentaries, and the commentaries don't show the whole movie.
Me: They do, actually.
Mom: STOP LYING TO ME.

Mom Goes To The Doctor.

2005-01-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

Mom: When I got into his office, I told him that I needed a prescription for more crazy pills. So he said "Do you need pills to stop being crazy, or pills to keep you from being crazy?" and I said "I need the pills that stop the craziness, and then I need the pills that keep me from being crazy because there are different levels here and I need to make sure all of them are covered."
Me: So you're trying to eliminate as much crazy as possible?
Mom: Yeah but it's NOT FUCKING WORKING.

Mom Enjoys Curse Words (Also: Being Excited).

2005-01-05T01:59:00.000-05:00

Anonymous: Yeah, I need a job.
Mom: YOU NEED A JOB? NO FUCKING WAY.

Anonymous: Yeah, I have a hernia.
Mom: NO FUCKING WAY. NO FUCKING WAY.

Mom Goes To The Movies.

2005-01-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

My mom and I went to the movies on New Year's Eve. When we pulled into the parking lot of the theatre, she spotted the car of a former co-worker. (Mom was fired from her job recently). Immediately thinking she wouldn't want to go inside, I offered to just go shopping with her instead.

Me: Are you sure you still want to go? We don't have to see a movie today. We can just go shopping or something.
Mom: NO WAY. WE ARE GOING TO THE MOVIE. I TOOK MY XANAX THIS MORNING, FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM ALL.

A Conversation Between Mom And I.

2005-01-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

Me: How are you today, mom?
Mom: I am fine, how are you?
Me: Well, I kind of want to die.
Mom: That's okay, that's normal.